REPORT: Homophobia – Inside and Out

“I feel like I’ve always been certain of my sexual orientation. I used to think the everyday homophobia surrounding me didn’t affect me at all. I never viewed my homosexuality as being different. Little did I know back then that all those homophobic voices would take root in my mind and, over the years, begin to take control over me, specifically targeting my self-esteem. Now, looking back at my younger self from a completely different perspective, all I feel is sorrow and grief.” Homophobia is a widely recognised term that every one of us has encountered, regardless of sexual orientation. This is driven by its growing number of proponents. Yet it is by no means a new concept, having accompanied humanity for centuries. After all, homophobia has been an inseparable part of love, a subject so eagerly explored across the ages by poets, philosophers, and scholars. The opinions of intolerant individuals, which we hear so often in today’s media or simply by listening in on everyday conversations, can give rise to “internalised homophobia”, meaning homophobia directed at oneself. Jokes, jabs, and mockery are a quiet attack on homosexuals. Relatively tolerant people often make them. Despite their apparent harmlessness, they can breed a complex feeling of disgust toward one’s own sexual orientation.

The factor shaping this complex phenomenon becomes clear when we compare the confessions of two individuals. “In my social circle, people always made fun of homosexuals…” From an early age, we are deeply connected to the company that surrounds us. As we reach an age of conscious awareness where our personality, character, and worldview take shape, we draw many behavioural patterns directly from those closest to us. The homophobic views we hear can cast a long shadow on how we later perceive ourselves. This can lead to a desire to suppress our sexual orientation so as to avoid facing the very same insults we heard before. A family gathering is a time to deepen family bonds, share meals, and above all, exchange opinions on a wide variety of topics. A heated political debate is a way of trading views that Poles practically adore. “Kids, go play! This conversation is for adults only!” So I sat on the couch and stared at brightly colored cartoons, trying to get into a plot full of little animals and the battle between good and evil. “It’s a mental illness!” someone shouted, a slight irritation in their voice. I strained my ears then, trying to catch the subject of the “adult” conversation. In the course of the exchange, I heard the word “homosexuals.” Without realising it, some of those hostile remarks became etched in my mind. Long after that day, I kept wondering why those specific words were the ones I remembered almost verbatim. My suspicions grew when, upon reflecting on my own sexual orientation, I began to feel a sense of disgust toward myself. Suppressing one’s preferences is nothing less than deceiving oneself. By convincing ourselves that we will spontaneously “cure” ourselves of homosexuality, we build a false hope that will later amplify our self-hatred. Homosexuality cannot be cured. It is not an illness, let alone something we can simply choose. Misleading ourselves into believing that our preferences will soon return to “normal” causes a deep revulsion toward our own orientation, which leads to a variety of issues down the road. This behaviour stems from a single root cause, namely the fear of social rejection. “I was terribly afraid that I would be ridiculed…” These words firmly convinced me that pressure from others is the primary catalyst capable of breeding feelings of shame, anxiety, and disgust toward oneself.

Describing something that has taken such deep root within us since the earliest stages of forming our personality is by no means easy. One of my interviewees speaks of it as a “feeling of self-disgust and a fear of being perceived negatively by others because of my orientation.” This fear is an inseparable part of life for many homosexuals. “I’m afraid that if I come out as bisexual, people will only see me through the lens of that fact.” Many people outside the LGBT community keep their distance from those who openly express their “different” preferences. “If I had just met a guy and he said he was gay, I’d keep him at, you know, an arm’s length,” said one of my acquaintances. Many people who declare their “tolerance” would agree with this statement, even though it is truly nothing more than a cover for unresolved and unjustified hatred toward homosexual people. Apparent tolerance is nothing other than homophobia in disguise. Such people vent their emotions through aggressive behaviour, negative posts, jokes, and many other unethical actions. Surrounded by individuals like this, homosexuals are particularly vulnerable to a decline in self-esteem and self-acceptance.

The mentioned repercussions are not the only consequences. The effects of internalised homophobia are astonishingly severe and run deeper than we might think. “Internalised homophobia gets me down, especially when reflecting on my relationship with my girlfriend, because despite my deep attachment to her, I sometimes feel it would be so much easier to be in a relationship with the opposite sex, since the chances of becoming a target of social criticism drop significantly.” Suppressing a love that brings happiness simply to gain social acceptance highlights a massive problem facing people today. Indeed, homosexual individuals dealing with internalised homophobia are particularly vulnerable to unhappiness. There may be many people around us who are held back from revealing their true sexual orientation by the omnipresent revulsion toward non-heteronormative people. One of my interviewees shared her fears regarding her family circle, seemingly the safest group of people for any of us. “My family isn’t intolerant toward others, but I worry they will become homophobic toward me. It makes me feel awful and insecure. It is also difficult for me to accept my future. I’m afraid my parents will stop supporting me, my standard of living will drop significantly, and I won’t have the means to go to college.”

The worst part is the fact that the “victims” of internalised homophobia cannot be counted. This feeling, complex, intricate, and hard to detect, feeds on hatred, anxiety, fear, and revulsion. Many people around us may find themselves in such a situation. Proclaiming pure contempt for homosexuals only fuels the pain and distress of those affected by internalised homophobia. Personally, I believe this topic should gain wider publicity, especially in a world dominated by homophobic views. Highlighting the struggles of people affected by this issue can awaken empathy in many homophobic individuals, which serves as a cure for hatred of any kind. There is therefore only one solution, namely to educate people about homophobia and not let society judge love, regardless of the sexual orientation of those in love.

This piece was published as part of the “School of Reportage” series, showcasing the non-fiction writing of high school students.